Reviews of movies I haven’t seen

I don’t have much time or interest these days in seeing the latest box office hits.  Every year that creeps by brings a greater divide between what moviegoing audiences seem to crave and what I can tolerate.

But not seeing movies will never stop me from reviewing them.  So here are my reviews of the top 5 movies at the box office, none of which I have seen:

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Black Friday Sales

MY GRADE:

I just don’t get it.  I don’t know if that means I’m out of touch or too rich or too poor or all of the above.  But I’ve never participated in Black Friday madness and more than likely I never will.

Here’s a good example of what puzzles me…

The Santa Claus Myth

MY GRADE:

Only three stars for Santa?!

What am I — Jewish?

<cricket cricket>

Really, it’s not a religious thing.  I just have some credibility issues with the Santa story. First and foremost:

Exactly how old is Santa??? Because it seems like he’s been around forever.  At least three hundred years.  Is that possible? With his high BMI? 

Thanksgiving

MY GRADE:

I am thankful for…

• Sexy, sullen teenage vampires.  Because how else would children learn about love?  And sunblock.
• Tofurkey.  Because I’m okay with the systematic mistreatment of soy and wheat gluten.

The McRib

MY GRADE:

As I dialed past Sarah Palin on her 39th talk show appearance of the day (plugging her new book The Palin Vampire Diaries) I couldn’t help but develop an appreciation for those in the past who have taken the less-is-more approach to product hawking.

Of course, I’m talking about the McRib.

Dr. Pepper

MY GRADE:

Tasty and Refreshing. With just a hint of... um... ???

(NOTE: When I speak of Dr. Pepper I am referring to Mr. Pibb too. Because to me Mr. Pibb is basically Dr. Pepper without the doctorate)

Soft drink companies have never been completely comfortable with owning up to what their products are:  a 100% artificial concoction.

Baby Einstein

MY GRADE:

There seems to be a split in the world of parenting…

Back when I was growing up, most parents did stuff pretty much the same things:  you fed your kid, you changed their diaper, you let them go down the street to play with the neighbor kids, you made sure they did their homework, you told then not to run into traffic.  Occasionally a kid lost a finger playing with firecrackers, but hey, with that sort of intelligence it’s safe to assume they weren’t going to become a world renown brain surgeon anyway.