Yes, I bought an iPad. I’m one of those people. I didn’t realize I was one of those people until I found myself standing in line in front of the Apple Store Saturday morning at 9:00 a.m., anxiously awaiting reports as to whether the supply would meet the exhaustive demand of the eager line of dweebs. As it turns out, all dweebs were satisfied. Like everything else in life – Y2K, Obama, anything George Lucas has touched since 1980 – the reality didn’t live up to the hype. There were no iPad shortages. Nobody left empty handed, wondering how without an iPad they could possibly manage to do… er… whatever the hell you’re supposed to do with an iPad.
*note to the faintly impressed. I’m writing this post on my iPad! You can type with it. Imagine that! A device you can type on! What will they think of next?
Well, instead of posting what is probably the 90,000th iPad blog review I figured I would turn my attention to what every Apple fetishist wonders most — WHAT’S NEXT?
What else do we need? The iPad is a super fun gadget, this much I’ll reveal (oops, I guess i should have posted “spoiler alert!“) but certainly there are other aspects of modern living that could use an assist from Steve Jobs and his crew of magical elf nerds. So what should they work on next?
Here are some suggestions:
The iRememberer: I’m terrible with names. Just ask anyone. The guy across the street — Mr. whoseywhatz, my dentist – Dr. Whatsherface, or even my wife… errrr…. Mrs. Goldstein? Names are not my friend. I’d love them to develop a earpiece style device that remembered people’s names based on some sort of fancy schmantzy (to use a technical term) face recognition software. It would then whisper the name, tactfully in a Hawking-like voice, in my ear. Hard hard can this be to develop? The Terminator had it and even though he spoke English with a labored Austrian/American accent for some strange reason, he sure as hell knew everyone’s name. (Optional add-on: Also, like the Terminator, I would be able to disintegrate my enemies with a laser after face-verification.)
iFloss: pretty self-explanatory. I never remember to floss. But this handy little Apple gizmo would do it for me while I sleep. And perhaps I could even wake with minty-fresh breath.
The iShaver: Why am I spending so much time shaving when I could be fiddling with my iPad instead? Someone needs to remedy this.
The iIntern: In the world of showbiz I’m never connected immediately to the people I call. There’s always a “buffer”, also known as an intern. But the worst is sometimes even when they call me I’m the one put on hold, until it’s confirmed that I’m available. Because God forbid some producer calls me all by themselves and get my voicemail! Anyway, how is any of this fair? Just because I don’t have my own production company or staff of college Mini-me’s doesn’t mean I should have to actually answer my own calls. I’d like a device that screens my cellphone calls and lets me decide if I want to take the call. I know, I know, we already have caller ID. But the problem with caller ID is the ignored party doesn’t feel the appropriate level of snubbage. I want my iIntern to put the caller through the full rigmarole: “Whos calling?” “Can I ask what this is reference to?” “Do you have two forms of ID?” Then want them to inform the other party that I’m busy and take a message. Then I want to call back and have my iIntern tell them “Please hold for Mr. Goldstein.” And this device would be handy for more than just me. I mean, in David Letterman had one of these, his marriage might be in better shape right about now.
The iCouchPotato: most of us have Tivos/DVRS and they’re great. But really, who has time to watch as this junk we collect on our TiVo? I’m already 2 seasons behind on Dexter. By the time I catch up, they’ll already have turned it into a movie and a remake and a sloppily rendered 3-d version of the remake. Now that I have a device that records everything, I need a second device to watch all this garbage and tell me what I’m missing. Kind of like digital cliff notes. Except instead of breaking down Romeo and Juliette, it informs me of the major thematic motifs of Jersey Shore.
The iChair: Okay, sure, chairs are fine. We sit on them and that seems to work out for everyone. But come on, it’s 2010 — shouldn’t we have a more dynamic and futuristic way of parking our keisters? And let’s not settle for what those clowns over at Brookstone have developed. We can do better than jiggling and vibrating.