With tax day quickly approaching I started to reflect about money. How we choose to spend it, how we hope not to spend it. What we enjoy spending it on and what we’re obligated to spend it on. And I came to one conclusion–
It’s not the amount of money one departs with that causes pain and agony, it’s the level of satisfaction one gets in return that determines our financial angst.
Some things are just NO FUN to spend money on.
Top 10 Least Enjoyable Ways to Spend Money:
10. Dental Surgery: Here’s a really crappy way to drop several hundred bucks. Have a middle-aged white guy drill into your enamel for 2 hours then have him tell you that you can only eat yogurt for the next 3 days. Oh, and the kicker? Nobody will ever see the results of this particular surgery. No botex-fresh faces or perky DDs to show off. Just some new crown in the back of your stinky mouth that nobody will ever notice. (On the other hand, sometimes you get 10-15 vicodin out of it, so there is that.)
9. Late Fees: Nooo, this isn’t insanely frustrating in the least. You had trouble making a payment? Great, now you have to make an extra payment for being late on the payment. Enjoy.
8. Any movie written and directed by Tyler Perry: Self-explanatory. I find more value in crumpling up that $15 and using it to start a campfire.
7. Roof repair: I speak from personal experience. Dropping 2 grand to prevent a roof for leaking is kind of like paying 2 grand to stop a random person from punching you in the face — in both cases I was just sorta hoping they would be able to restrain themselves without the need for a financial incentive.
6. Any pet illness that doesn’t involve a dog or a cat: Speaking as a former bunny owner, there’s no emptier feeling in the world than knowing your lop-eared friend Hoppity is going to set you back $400 for malocclusion corrective surgery (and to top it off, Hoppity gets to enjoy the Vicodin, not you!)
*A close second would be finding out that it’s going to cost you $6,000 because your hamster needs chemo.
5. Bottled Water: And yet I buy it. Every day. I choose to pay for something that is free because I have an irrational fear that when someone pees in their toilet and flushes it goes directly into my faucet!
4. Property Tax: I bought the house 3 years ago! Why can’t you just leave me the f–k alone!
3. Anything to do with your car that’s more expensive than an oil change: Because it always costs $300-$800 and I never know what the hell they’re fixing anyway. Not only that, but I DROVE HERE for the oil change, how bad can my car be doing! At least make something up. Don’t just tell me that the fuel extension exhaust fluid steer pad axles need rotating. Try and make it sound a little more urgent than that, please! Tell me if I don’t fix it the whole thing is gonna blow up, a la the opening scene from Casino.
2. Postage for bills: The Ultimate F-you. First, pay this stupid credit card bill for all the silly crap you didn’t really need to buy but didn’t really feel like you were buying because you weren’t handing over any money you were just swiping a piece of plastic. Second, pay 44 cents for the privilege of paying us! Grrrr
1. Ticketmaster “handling fees”: So now a days even though I’m ordering tickets online and printing them on my computer and I’m not dealing with one single living, breathing human being you’re still going to charge me a handling fee on top of the so-called “service fee.” Hey, I got an idea, Ticketmaster — handle this! (For those in need of a visual, I am making a very rude gesture)