Roomy Line Standers

June 23, 2010


This will probably go down as one of my nitpickiest posts — but bear with me.

I don’t see myself as a type-A person.  I am patient.  I may have developed the same internet-smartphone-DVR driven ADD that everyone else in the modern world now exhibits but for the most part I’m not in a huge rush.


I cannot stand it when I’m in line to order my “healthy” 6000 calories burrito at Mexi-fresh Bean Emporium and the person “on deck” to be served has chosen to stand 5 yards away from the counter.  Meanwhile, the other 15 customers have to stand outside the front door and halfway around the block because this person seems to think waiting in line is like driving 85 on an L.A. freeway and that everyone needs to be at least 2 car lengths from the next person.

Why is this person doing this?  OCD?  Germaphoba?  Does he/she carry the Ebola virus and is trying to prevent an outbreak?

My guess is this human just lacks a certain zest for life.  Maybe I’m stereotyping.  But I find it hard to imagine that roomy line standers are the type who really grab the world by the balls and accomplish much.

Do you think Donald Trump waits at his local Arby’s a discreet 5 yards away from the customer at the counter?  ( I know, Donald Trump-Arby’s — when pig’s fly, but just play along with me, please)

What about Bill Gates?  Sarah Palin?  Adolf Hitler?  (Three people who are really pleased to be  grouped together, I’m sure).  I’m gonna guess those go-getters nudge right up against the person in front of them, as they wait patiently at the 7-11 to buy their Powerball lotto tickets.

So what’s my point here?  Well… nothing really.  If these line slackers moved a little closer it wouldn’t make the line move any faster.  Or make that mega-burrito decrease in caloric size.  But roomy line stander, think about what your chosen position represents about you.   Do you want to own a major tech firm, run for Vice Present, or conquer Europe some day?  Well, we all need to make tiny baby steps in order to achieve our goals.  So move up 4 yards, for Chrissake!



My Google Dream has come to fruition!

June 17, 2010

Several months ago, buried within my hilarious and touching post Raw Food: America’s Bull’s Penis, I made a shameless attempt to launch to the front of Google search rankings — not with an ordinary phrase like “funny blog” or “Jewish Writer who blogs” because I knew the competition was too stiff.

Nope, I set my sights a little lower:

Anteater snot

I knew I had a shot at the top of the rankings for “anteater snot” if I just played my cards right.  And guess what?

I’m #1, baby!

Google search — anteater snot

Well, I’m #1 if you ignore Google spell-correcting suggestion “did you mean Anteater snout?” (NO!  If I was interested in anteater snout I would’ve typed “anteater snout.”  Get off my butt, Google!)


The word “Awesome”

June 15, 2010

I’ve noticed an interesting recent phenomenon —  the use of the word “awesome.”  Awesome used to mean extraordinary.  Mind boggling.  Amazing.  The parting of the Red Sea.  Man landing on the moon.  Man leaving the moon and cleaning up after himself.

Now “awesome” is bandied about  15-20 times a day, per person.

That new episode of Two and a Half Men?  Awesome.  That YouTube video of the monkey sniffing it’s own butt and falling out of a tree?  Awesome.  Coldplay?  Really awesome.    They used to be only slightly awesome but now they work with Brian Eno and they’re totally awesome.

All I can say is (to use another burned out catchphrase) really?

Aren’t compliments supposed to mean something?  Can we all agree to cut back our awesome intake to 5 times a year?  I don’t think anyone will really be offended.  I mean, Coldplay, they have to know they aren’t awesome, right?  And the YouTube monkey.  Well, that was 6 years ago.  For all we know that monkey suffered severe brain damage and that, my friends, is totally not awesome.

Here are some underused words to describe something that one has positive feelings for that I’d like to see work their way back into the mainstream:





On par.


Pretty good.


Above average.

All these words are free and available for use.  Try some of them out occasionally.  They’re really… errr…  awesome?


Sneak Peek of my next topic…

June 14, 2010

Click here to hear it from the President himself!

Why Quality Television Sucks

June 11, 2010

In the last few weeks both 24 and LOST have ended their series.

LOST ran for 6 seasons, 121 episodes.  I don’t know how many of those were two hour episodes — probably a handful —  so let’s just say that’s approximately 125 hours of television.  Allegedly great television.  I say “allegedly” because I only watched the first episode of the first season.  I’m 120 episodes behind and have no immediate plans to catch up.  Not because I hear it’s crap.  But because I hear it’s good and I don’t want to get hooked.

Because, let’s face it (125 hours divided by 24) the question is — is it “5 days of my life” good?

Is anything that beams onto a screen truly “5 days of my life good”?

Lost, 24, M*A*S*H, Jaws and 3 sequels.  Just wonderful stuff.  And in the case of Jaws: The Revenge.  Wonderful and personal (this time)!  But when it comes down to it, would I rather have that time back?

I’m pretty sure I’ve listened to Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl” at least 150 times.  Catchy tune, right?  Right.  But the math is terrifying.  Song length: 3 minutes 15 seconds.  multiply by 150.  Divide by 60.

Dude, I’ve spent like 7 1/2 hours of my life listening to Jessie’s Girl. That’s hardly Bucket List material.

Here are a few other time-sucking regrets I have (aside from blogging, of course):

LAMEST Time Wasters (Cumulative lifetime statistics)

  • 1 hour and 27 minutes — waiting in line for Mister Toad’s Wild Ride at Disneyland.  (Pretty exciting and trippy, but a shot of absinthe would have by just as effective)
  • 17 hours — waiting for water to boil to make Kraft Mac and Cheese (always runny, so yellow it’s creepy, never cheesy enough, too many simple carbs)
  • 19 hours — watching 2003 World Series (you lost to the Marlins, Yankees?  Really?  The Marlins???!)
  • 3 hours — listening to U2’s last album (it’ll get better soon, right?…  Right?)
  • 10 minutes — I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter vs. regular butter, blind taste test.  (Result:  I can believe it’s not butter.)
  • 97 hours — traffic on the 405 freeway.  (turns out it’s not as entertaining as it sounds)
  • 1.5 hours — watching both Best Sound and Best Sound Editing Oscars being given out.  (Come on,  life is short.  Let’s combine!)
  • 3 days — horrendous case of food poisoning from eating at Wendy’s All You Can Eat Taco bar in summer of 1993  (Sorry, Wendy’s but the tacos weren’t that good)


More searching on Google…

June 4, 2010

I thought I’d check in again, see what search terms people are using these days to get to my blog.  And again… well, there are a few odd ones.   I’ll let the viewers speak for themselves:

film the rectal thermometer

adult baby pajamas

my gums are fat

the world is obnoxious i am not.

And perhaps, most frighteningly…

iPad penis

iPad snacks

Which leads to this pressing question.  What the hell are people doing with their iPads???



June 1, 2010


Photoshopping.  Touching up.  I’m not sure what most people call it these days.    I guess it used to be “airbrushing” which gave it sort of an artistic flair .  But let’s say what it really is.  Plastic surgery for the uncommitted.  People mock Heidi Montag (well, most people. I’m still trying to figure out who she is exactly, and then I plan to mock her) for her endless facial and bodily touch-ups, but at least she has the courage of her convictions.
Oh the other hand…

Take a look at some of the posters from Sex And The City 2: Read the rest of this entry »