Technology, as we all know, can be both a blessing and a curse. It makes our lives faster, easier, more accessible, and convenient. But there’s a drawback. It also gives people a thousand more lame excuses.
And our deep dark secret is — we like it that way. If it wasn’t for the hypothetical failures of our collective gadgets and devices we’d actually have to be responsible and respectful of other people’s time and efforts.
So let’s cut the crap and just all agree that the follow statements are no longer valid:
1. “I didn’t get your voicemail.”
Rebuttal: Bullshit. If voicemail is so buggy and precarious, even in 2010, then why is it that the only time I don’t get a voicemail is when the person who is (allegedly) calling me is a known flake? Did AT&T decide that only the consistent, responsible people in my life are allowed to leave messages? You’re lying and I’m not buying it.
2. “Weird. I saw on my call log that you called but I didn’t hear/feel it ring.”
Rebuttal: Okay, admittedly, this happens to me quite a bit. After all, I live in a canyon area with a weak signal, I use AT&T, and — to top it off, as if I’m almost daring phone calls not to go through — I bought an iPhone 4. That said — you’re lying. You saw my call and you ignored it. How do I know? Because you texted me 15 seconds earlier. I then followed up with a call because I thought it was a more efficient and polite way to interact — but you decided that even though you had time to type, spell-check and Wikipedia your 6 paragraph text to me, an actual phone interaction was too burdensome.
3. “I got a flat tire. It was crazy. Totally screwed up my whole day. Sorry I missed our lunch/meeting/Irish folk dancing class.”
Rebuttal: You lying son of a gigolo. Unless your tire burst and your car ran over your cell phone there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have called to let me know — as opposed to waiting two days to contact me. I’ll go as far as to say, if your car has a flat tire, now more than ever you have all the time in the world to call. You’re standing on the side of the 405 freeway waiting for AAA to come, for God’s sake! What the hell else are you going to do besides making phone calls? Pull out your knitting and finish that onesy you’ve been working on for your step-sister’s baby? Call me and tell me you have to cancel! Call AAA first. Then me.
4. “I sent you an email? Didn’t you get it? Geez, it must’ve just vanished into cyber space.”
Rebuttal: Hello. 1997 called. It’s wants its excuse back. Email works. And if it doesn’t it bounces back to you. You’re lying and you’re very bad at it. Where the hell did this alleged email of yours end up anyway? Did it overshoot Earth and hurl itself at lightspeed towards a Dell laptop on Neptune? At least have the decency to update your stupid excuse. Heck, blaming it on the Y2K bug would be an improvement.
5. “Oh, shoot. You emailed me about ___ ? I didn’t know. I haven’t checked my email for a couple of days.”
Rebuttal: Bullshit. It’s a known fact that every human being in the civilized world checks their email every 37 seconds. I’m supposed to believe you’re different? You’re not. As a matter of fact you’re worse. Because you’ve programmed your Android phone to play the opening 2 bars of “Whoop, There It Is” whenever you get a new email.
6. “I just got your message now. I left my phone at home/in the car/up my ass/ in a tide pool.”
Rebuttal: Errr… No. How do I know you’re lying? Because you’re a dork and you wear your phone attached to a belt clip, armored in something that looks like it’s about to be shipped off to battle in Afghanistan along with that stupid bluetooth ear piece you won’t take out of your ear for 5 minutes unless you’re submerged under water or the lady at Supercuts complains that she can’t even out your sideburns unless you take it off. You never leave your phone anywhere and you’re not about to change your habits during the the 12 seconds I happen to choose to call you. You’re lying and on top of it you look like a stupid Borg.
7. “Sorry I won’t be able to attend your birthday party. I’m taking a group of troubled teens to Knott’s Berry Farm for the evening.”
Rebuttal: HA! You heard me. Ha! How do I know this is utter crap? Because you’re not that nice a person. And because you updated your Facebook status 15 minutes after my party started with “… is rockin’ this yummy turkey leg. This has got to be the best Renaissance Fair ever!” If you’re going to be a stinky lying liar, then you better learn to cover your social networking tracks a little better.