The Usual Facebook Suspects

September 23, 2010

I’m sort of over Facebook.   If my relationship with Facebook was translated into marital terms you might say we’re having a “trial separation.”

Why?

I think Facebook oversimplifies who people are and the relationships they have with each other.  Everyone seems to be playing some sort of pseudo-version of themselves.  Here are some of the most popular “characters”:

ANNOYING OPTIMISTS: You know the type.  Never a cynical comment or snarky remark.  Just pure, unadulterated, relentlessly irritating positiveness.

Sample Status Update:  Harry just finished his 30 mile run after a really kick-ass home-cooked meal and some great forward-movement on his novel.    Wow, what a day!


BRAGGERS: much like the optimists, it’s not enough for them to be happy, they have to make sure everyone knows this.

Sample Status Update:  Pete is so swamped with career opportunities.   Where am I going to find time to attend David Geffin’s Labor Day party?


OVERSHARERS: honestly, I skim these…

Sample Status Update:  Glenda has an itchy rectum.  Any home remedy suggestions???


OBTUSERS:  they have nothing interesting to say so they attempt to couch their statuses with an air of mystery…

Sample Status Update:  Fred can’t believe she said that.  Day ruined!


SOCIAL FACEBOOK-TIVISTS: It’s always one obvious cause or another.

Sample Status Update:  Roger is against the spread of AIDS.  If you are too, cut and paste this into your own update!  Let’s use the power of Facebook to stop AIDS!


24 HOUR PARENTERS: They see Facebook as an endless live stream of adorable kiddie information.  And they assume we’re lovin’ it.

Sample Status Update:  Nancy is so proud of her little Colten — three trips to the potty with no poopy pants!


ALL-BUSINESS TYPES: They go months, sometimes years, without updating.  Then pop up only when they need something.  Then, they’re gone again…

Sample Status Update:  James is looking for a new dentist in the mid-town area.  Must be good with tweens.

So… which type are you?  Did I miss any?

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The News

September 10, 2010

MY GRADE:

I don’t know what the exact statistics are but people don’t watch the evening news anymore.  And I’m pretty sure I know why.

Because there isn’t any.

News, that is.  Who decided that there were 30 minutes of recent events worth discussing every evening?  The guy who sells Pepsi commercials, that’s who.

Me?  I know the truth.  Most of the things that happen in the world I don’t need to know about.  And the 13 seconds it takes me each day to scan Google News verifies this.   Don’t believe me?  Here’s a live sample:

“Pastor who threatened to burn the Koran decides not to” — when did we decide that not doing something is also news?

“Iran cancels release of detained American” — again, something doesn’t happen and it’s news.  Go figure.

“Jorge Posada cleared to play today’s game for the Yankees but will not play” — wow, we’re three for three in the “news of things not happening” department.

“Obama Defends His Economic Policies” — this falls under another popular news category — news of the incredibly obvious.    Tomorrow’s political headline: “Obama thinks he’s a pretty good President.”

“Justin Bieber hits state trooper with water balloon” — granted, this is very important news.  If I was 12.

“Facebook now more popular than Google” — no, not really news either.  But I do enjoy this irony:  I read about it on Google.

“Playboy model detained after trying to open plane door in mid-flight” — Finally!  Something I need to know about.  If that plane was flying overhead at the time I read it, I would know to duck.  Thank you, Google News.  Nobody wants to be crushed to death by a plummeting playmate.  And if they do that’s news to me…

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