I want my smartphone to be more smarterer!

August 28, 2010

I read an article on a tech blog not long ago that someone is developing the technology to allow us to use our smartphones as credit cards.   At first the notion was shocking to me.  What if we lose our phone?  Someone could access our credit card information.  Then I realized — those things we carry our in our wallets and purses — credit cards, I think they call them.  We lose them too.   So I guess it makes sense.  If I’m gonna be stupid and lose my phone, let’s turn the event into a total friggin’ mess —  I’ll lose my “credit card” too.  Why be subtle about it?  If you’re f–ked you’re f–ked, right?

Then it got me thinking.  My iPhone and it’s endless series of apps is capable of doing everything  from scheduling my appointments to downloading podcasts to streaming full-length movies to helping me remember where I parked my car.  But all that stuff is sooo 3 months ago.  iPhone, what have you done for me lately?   Here are some things I want next year’s iPhone 5 to do:

  • Lighten my wallet/pockets — if you’re going to replace my credit card someday real soon, why not take it a few steps further?  Be my car keys.  Be my driver’s license.  Be my Costco membership.  And how about all that loose change jingling around?  Can you spit out a few quarters when I need them for the snack machine?  Also, here’s a thought — iLint.  I carry a lot of the old analog-style lint in my pocket.  Maybe I’d like to get rid of it and simply download any new lint I need from the App Store.
  • Take phone calls —  I’m not talking about making or receiving phone calls.  I’m talking about TAKING phone calls for me.   See, people call sometimes.  But most of ’em   I don’t really feel like talking to.  But I hate to be rude, so I chat.  Sometimes for over two minutes.  Can’t my iPhone just take care of that for me?  After all, it’s a “smartphone”, right?  Certainly it should be capable of a stimulating 15 minute conversation.  Geez, it already has all those news apps I downloaded,  would it be too much trouble to ask it to just take a damn minute to read them and catch up on current events?  Thank you.   That would free up so much more time for me to play Angry Birds.   And speaking of games…
  • Play Games: Yes, smartphones have lots of neat games.  But who has time or patience to  learn how to excel at them?  So here’s what I want, Mr. Smartyphone.  I download ’em.  You play ’em.   And no cheating.  You’re an electronic device.   You have at least 7-8 hours an evening all by yourself on the charger.  What the heck else do you have to do all night?  Flirt with my iPad?  There’s plenty of time for you to make your way through all 6,000 levels of Osmos.
  • iGlue: this one is simple.  I drop my phone a lot.  I’ve tried a bunch of different cases — thick, thin, rugged, white, black, bedazzled — but someday my luck is going to run out and I’m gonna accidentally break the thing.  So let’s cut to the chase — just glue it to me.  We spend 90% of our lives with our smartphones in our hands anyway.   Hands-free is good.  But hands-always might work better.  I’ll even take it in the shower if you make it water-proof.  Which leads me to my next suggestion–
  • iSoap: They’re already the perfect shape.  Just add a touch of lavender and an anti-bacterial foaming agent and we’re set for scrubbing.  But please, give us enough lather to last through my 2 year contract.  I’d hate to have to pay the early upgrade penalty just because I practice proper hygiene.



Baby Toy or Dog Toy?

August 20, 2010

I’m always on the look-out for a sure-fire way to make major bucks.  And to me there’s nothing less taxing of the mind than developing a new hit gameshow.  Let’s face it, if it’s not Jeopardy, it’s probably a show created for and by morons.

So here’s my pitch.  A show called


The premise is self-explanatory.  Anyone who has both kids and dogs know that there’s a definite bleed-over — that cute stuffed animal you bought for your adorable infant ends up being Rover’s new snuggle buddy and that industrial strength chewing Kong that you’re supposed to fill with bacon grease to keep the dog busy becomes little Tyler’s favorite teething instrument.

And sometimes the lines are blurred right from the beginning and you can’t even remember what department of Target you’re browsing through.  So here’s a dry run of my brilliant gameshow idea.  See how well you do…  You have 3 seconds to determine each one…


Baby toy or dog toy?

It’s cute, it’s fuzzy, it’s colorful.  Little Gretchen would love to sleep with it in her crib.  Baby Toy! Read the rest of this entry »

Roomy Line Standers

June 23, 2010


This will probably go down as one of my nitpickiest posts — but bear with me.

I don’t see myself as a type-A person.  I am patient.  I may have developed the same internet-smartphone-DVR driven ADD that everyone else in the modern world now exhibits but for the most part I’m not in a huge rush.


I cannot stand it when I’m in line to order my “healthy” 6000 calories burrito at Mexi-fresh Bean Emporium and the person “on deck” to be served has chosen to stand 5 yards away from the counter.  Meanwhile, the other 15 customers have to stand outside the front door and halfway around the block because this person seems to think waiting in line is like driving 85 on an L.A. freeway and that everyone needs to be at least 2 car lengths from the next person.

Why is this person doing this?  OCD?  Germaphoba?  Does he/she carry the Ebola virus and is trying to prevent an outbreak?

My guess is this human just lacks a certain zest for life.  Maybe I’m stereotyping.  But I find it hard to imagine that roomy line standers are the type who really grab the world by the balls and accomplish much.

Do you think Donald Trump waits at his local Arby’s a discreet 5 yards away from the customer at the counter?  ( I know, Donald Trump-Arby’s — when pig’s fly, but just play along with me, please)

What about Bill Gates?  Sarah Palin?  Adolf Hitler?  (Three people who are really pleased to be  grouped together, I’m sure).  I’m gonna guess those go-getters nudge right up against the person in front of them, as they wait patiently at the 7-11 to buy their Powerball lotto tickets.

So what’s my point here?  Well… nothing really.  If these line slackers moved a little closer it wouldn’t make the line move any faster.  Or make that mega-burrito decrease in caloric size.  But roomy line stander, think about what your chosen position represents about you.   Do you want to own a major tech firm, run for Vice Present, or conquer Europe some day?  Well, we all need to make tiny baby steps in order to achieve our goals.  So move up 4 yards, for Chrissake!


My Google Dream has come to fruition!

June 17, 2010

Several months ago, buried within my hilarious and touching post Raw Food: America’s Bull’s Penis, I made a shameless attempt to launch to the front of Google search rankings — not with an ordinary phrase like “funny blog” or “Jewish Writer who blogs” because I knew the competition was too stiff.

Nope, I set my sights a little lower:

Anteater snot

I knew I had a shot at the top of the rankings for “anteater snot” if I just played my cards right.  And guess what?

I’m #1, baby!

Google search — anteater snot

Well, I’m #1 if you ignore Google spell-correcting suggestion “did you mean Anteater snout?” (NO!  If I was interested in anteater snout I would’ve typed “anteater snout.”  Get off my butt, Google!)


The word “Awesome”

June 15, 2010

I’ve noticed an interesting recent phenomenon —  the use of the word “awesome.”  Awesome used to mean extraordinary.  Mind boggling.  Amazing.  The parting of the Red Sea.  Man landing on the moon.  Man leaving the moon and cleaning up after himself.

Now “awesome” is bandied about  15-20 times a day, per person.

That new episode of Two and a Half Men?  Awesome.  That YouTube video of the monkey sniffing it’s own butt and falling out of a tree?  Awesome.  Coldplay?  Really awesome.    They used to be only slightly awesome but now they work with Brian Eno and they’re totally awesome.

All I can say is (to use another burned out catchphrase) really?

Aren’t compliments supposed to mean something?  Can we all agree to cut back our awesome intake to 5 times a year?  I don’t think anyone will really be offended.  I mean, Coldplay, they have to know they aren’t awesome, right?  And the YouTube monkey.  Well, that was 6 years ago.  For all we know that monkey suffered severe brain damage and that, my friends, is totally not awesome.

Here are some underused words to describe something that one has positive feelings for that I’d like to see work their way back into the mainstream:





On par.


Pretty good.


Above average.

All these words are free and available for use.  Try some of them out occasionally.  They’re really… errr…  awesome?


Why Quality Television Sucks

June 11, 2010

In the last few weeks both 24 and LOST have ended their series.

LOST ran for 6 seasons, 121 episodes.  I don’t know how many of those were two hour episodes — probably a handful —  so let’s just say that’s approximately 125 hours of television.  Allegedly great television.  I say “allegedly” because I only watched the first episode of the first season.  I’m 120 episodes behind and have no immediate plans to catch up.  Not because I hear it’s crap.  But because I hear it’s good and I don’t want to get hooked.

Because, let’s face it (125 hours divided by 24) the question is — is it “5 days of my life” good?

Is anything that beams onto a screen truly “5 days of my life good”?

Lost, 24, M*A*S*H, Jaws and 3 sequels.  Just wonderful stuff.  And in the case of Jaws: The Revenge.  Wonderful and personal (this time)!  But when it comes down to it, would I rather have that time back?

I’m pretty sure I’ve listened to Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl” at least 150 times.  Catchy tune, right?  Right.  But the math is terrifying.  Song length: 3 minutes 15 seconds.  multiply by 150.  Divide by 60.

Dude, I’ve spent like 7 1/2 hours of my life listening to Jessie’s Girl. That’s hardly Bucket List material.

Here are a few other time-sucking regrets I have (aside from blogging, of course):

LAMEST Time Wasters (Cumulative lifetime statistics)

  • 1 hour and 27 minutes — waiting in line for Mister Toad’s Wild Ride at Disneyland.  (Pretty exciting and trippy, but a shot of absinthe would have by just as effective)
  • 17 hours — waiting for water to boil to make Kraft Mac and Cheese (always runny, so yellow it’s creepy, never cheesy enough, too many simple carbs)
  • 19 hours — watching 2003 World Series (you lost to the Marlins, Yankees?  Really?  The Marlins???!)
  • 3 hours — listening to U2’s last album (it’ll get better soon, right?…  Right?)
  • 10 minutes — I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter vs. regular butter, blind taste test.  (Result:  I can believe it’s not butter.)
  • 97 hours — traffic on the 405 freeway.  (turns out it’s not as entertaining as it sounds)
  • 1.5 hours — watching both Best Sound and Best Sound Editing Oscars being given out.  (Come on,  life is short.  Let’s combine!)
  • 3 days — horrendous case of food poisoning from eating at Wendy’s All You Can Eat Taco bar in summer of 1993  (Sorry, Wendy’s but the tacos weren’t that good)


More searching on Google…

June 4, 2010

I thought I’d check in again, see what search terms people are using these days to get to my blog.  And again… well, there are a few odd ones.   I’ll let the viewers speak for themselves:

film the rectal thermometer

adult baby pajamas

my gums are fat

the world is obnoxious i am not.

And perhaps, most frighteningly…

iPad penis

iPad snacks

Which leads to this pressing question.  What the hell are people doing with their iPads???