The News

September 10, 2010

MY GRADE:

I don’t know what the exact statistics are but people don’t watch the evening news anymore.  And I’m pretty sure I know why.

Because there isn’t any.

News, that is.  Who decided that there were 30 minutes of recent events worth discussing every evening?  The guy who sells Pepsi commercials, that’s who.

Me?  I know the truth.  Most of the things that happen in the world I don’t need to know about.  And the 13 seconds it takes me each day to scan Google News verifies this.   Don’t believe me?  Here’s a live sample:

“Pastor who threatened to burn the Koran decides not to” — when did we decide that not doing something is also news?

“Iran cancels release of detained American” — again, something doesn’t happen and it’s news.  Go figure.

“Jorge Posada cleared to play today’s game for the Yankees but will not play” — wow, we’re three for three in the “news of things not happening” department.

“Obama Defends His Economic Policies” — this falls under another popular news category — news of the incredibly obvious.    Tomorrow’s political headline: “Obama thinks he’s a pretty good President.”

“Justin Bieber hits state trooper with water balloon” — granted, this is very important news.  If I was 12.

“Facebook now more popular than Google” — no, not really news either.  But I do enjoy this irony:  I read about it on Google.

“Playboy model detained after trying to open plane door in mid-flight” — Finally!  Something I need to know about.  If that plane was flying overhead at the time I read it, I would know to duck.  Thank you, Google News.  Nobody wants to be crushed to death by a plummeting playmate.  And if they do that’s news to me…

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Photoshopping

June 1, 2010

MY GRADE:

Photoshopping.  Touching up.  I’m not sure what most people call it these days.    I guess it used to be “airbrushing” which gave it sort of an artistic flair .  But let’s say what it really is.  Plastic surgery for the uncommitted.  People mock Heidi Montag (well, most people. I’m still trying to figure out who she is exactly, and then I plan to mock her) for her endless facial and bodily touch-ups, but at least she has the courage of her convictions.
Oh the other hand…

Take a look at some of the posters from Sex And The City 2: Read the rest of this entry »


Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen (Spring 2010 edition)

April 30, 2010

This particular posting, a favorite of mine, gets harder to pull off each time because as it turns out, with all the remakes these days I HAVE SEEN THESE FILMS… even if I haven’t.

Here goes:

CLASH OF THE TITANS 3-D

Grade: C-

Read the rest of this entry »


Guess the Pseudo-Celebrity!

April 18, 2010

One of the true signs of aging (aside from tweaking your back out from looking over your shoulder while parallel parking) occurs when your knowledge of pop culture begins to fade rapidly.

I can’t say this is necessarily a bad thing.  I think the aging brain determines that most information is useless and thus it deliberately chooses to be more selective about what it remembers as its capacity for learning decreases.

Seems like a good plan.

Anyhoo, what was I talking about?  I’ve completely forgotten.

But I have noticed something recently.  I’m out of touch and proud of it.  Apparently there are some really really famous people floating around these days and I have no idea what they’re famous for.  So let me take a guess:

  • Justin Bieber???

Well, from the looks of this photo — backwards baseball hat, hand gestures — I’m guessing he’s famous for being a new type of gang member.  Young and cute and white, but still deadly as f–k.  I’m guessing he’s rubbed out at least 12 dudes just for looking at him the wrong way.  And he has no tolerance for bitches and/or hos. Read the rest of this entry »


My Oscar Predictions (part 2)

March 4, 2010

This is where I’ll tackle the least-interesting aspect of the Academy Awards:  the awards.

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds, The Messenger, A Serious Man, UP.

Predicted Winner: UP.  A mark of good writing is brevity and UP has the shortest title.  I would’ve predicted ‘Inglourous Basterds’ but if Quentin Tarantino can’t even be bothered to spell-check the title I can’t imagine the Academy will feel right in rewarding such sloppiness. Read the rest of this entry »


My Oscar “Predictions” (pt 1)

March 3, 2010

  1. There will be a moving montage of all the film greats who have passed away in the last year.  The 97 year old Sound Engineer will get the biggest ovation because crowds love sound design.
  2. “Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” will win Best Picture because the title just rolls off the tongue (how that got to be the official title of the movie I really haven’t a clue but I’m sure 700 lawyers are involved).  Which will lead to such big movie titles next year as “Transformers 3: Based on Michael Bay’s Need For a New Tennis Court” and “Typhoid Mary: The Movie, Based on Cameron Diaz’s envy of Sandra’s Bullock’s OscarRead the rest of this entry »

The Winter Olympics

February 16, 2010

MY GRADE:

Some Olympic musings (part 1): Read the rest of this entry »