The News

September 10, 2010


I don’t know what the exact statistics are but people don’t watch the evening news anymore.  And I’m pretty sure I know why.

Because there isn’t any.

News, that is.  Who decided that there were 30 minutes of recent events worth discussing every evening?  The guy who sells Pepsi commercials, that’s who.

Me?  I know the truth.  Most of the things that happen in the world I don’t need to know about.  And the 13 seconds it takes me each day to scan Google News verifies this.   Don’t believe me?  Here’s a live sample:

“Pastor who threatened to burn the Koran decides not to” — when did we decide that not doing something is also news?

“Iran cancels release of detained American” — again, something doesn’t happen and it’s news.  Go figure.

“Jorge Posada cleared to play today’s game for the Yankees but will not play” — wow, we’re three for three in the “news of things not happening” department.

“Obama Defends His Economic Policies” — this falls under another popular news category — news of the incredibly obvious.    Tomorrow’s political headline: “Obama thinks he’s a pretty good President.”

“Justin Bieber hits state trooper with water balloon” — granted, this is very important news.  If I was 12.

“Facebook now more popular than Google” — no, not really news either.  But I do enjoy this irony:  I read about it on Google.

“Playboy model detained after trying to open plane door in mid-flight” — Finally!  Something I need to know about.  If that plane was flying overhead at the time I read it, I would know to duck.  Thank you, Google News.  Nobody wants to be crushed to death by a plummeting playmate.  And if they do that’s news to me…